Engla2009

Yeah, I'm still alive. It was a close call, though. I won't be using this account very much anymore because I just feel like starting over again. My new account is so go ahead and check it out if you like. 

I'm sorry for all that f****d up shit I said in my last journal, but I was really upset and had been for quite a while, and I just wanted to put an end to it all. Now, however, I don't feel like that. Why? Because I have finally found my one and only. She's really sweet and supportive, and I love her with all my heart. Thanks to her and my best friend who lives in France I managed to pull through.

- Allen Ezekein

I used to be like any other girl. Happy, stubborn, kind, selfish, etc. Now I'm nothing like that.

I laugh and smile around others, but beneath the mask I am crying. I hurt myself just to know that I can still feel something and maybe forget the pain I feel, if even for a short time. I have considered suicide ever since I was fourteen, maybe thirteen.

Everyone told me it would go away with time, but I knew it was a lie. Everyday I sit in my bed and stare at the ceiling, wondering why I'm even alive. What is the meaning of it all?

I'm seventeen years old now and a few people have told me that I've done a great job for holding for so long.

I'm so tired of people judging me for who I am. I've tried ignoring them but I just can't. It hurts so much, like my heart has been ripped right out of my chest.

I have long since lost my will to live but I haven't killed myself yet because I'm scared and I know that it will only hurt the few people who actually loves me.

The strange thing is I don't know who would love someone like me. I'm not worth the effort, not anymore.

I know that my mom is not one of them at least. I actually though she did, but now that she has forbidden me and my sister from ever seing our younger siblings I know that she actually hates me. She always blames us and she always looks at me with disappointment.

I'm sorry, I really am.

Some of you will probably call me an attention whore, but I can tell you this; I am not.

I don't care about attention, not anymore.

Mom, if you're reading this I'm sorry. I know you hate me, you don't have to pretend anymore.

I can't go on like this anymore. My only wish is to be free, don't I at least have the right to have my one wish come true?

I want to end all this pain and suffering.

Once again, I'm sorry.

I'm just so tired of it all. Please, make it end! Put and end to all this pain!

This might be goodbye.

I'm sorry...

Okay, so just a few weeks ago I bought a Nintendo 3DS and Pokémon X. Today I decided to write a list of what pokémon I have and what I nicknamed them

Greninja - Dororo
Blastoise - Leonardo
Psyduck - Psiioniic
Panpour - Perry
Lapras - Sora
Remoraid - no name yet
Magikarp - Eridan
Fletchling - Robin
Talonflame - Dave
Farfetch'd - Pewdiepie
Farfetch'd - Quacklin'
Pidgey - Talia
Pidgey - Dirk
Pansage - Ferb
Skiddo - Capricornus
Skiddo - Gamzee
Hoppip - Sakura
Chinchou - Aqua
Plusle - Kaoru
Helioptile - Allen
Pichu - Maya
Pichu - Kim
Pichu - Max
Pichu - Rika
Pikachu - Michelangelo
Raichu - Engla
Raichu - Alex
Zigzagoon - Connor
Bunnelby - Egbert
Snorlax - Jonas
Skitty - Rose
Sentret - Sandra
Eevee - Gary
Furfrou - Oreon
Furfrou - Tamaki
Furfrou - Jade
Furfrou - Casey
kecleon - Christian
Kakuna - Mituna
Weedle - Sollux
Caterpie - Somay
Tyrantrum - Rex
Pansear - Phineas
Litleo - Pyra
Trapinch - Donatello
Steelix - Diamond
Sandile- Dave-nak
Golett - no name yet
Cubone - Kenny
Rhyhorn - Shredder
Riolu - Ash
Riolu - Sasuke
Lucario - Itachi
Pancham - Raphael
Machop - Equius
Espurr - Victoria
Azurill - Sookie
Snubbull - Sarah
Solosis - Candy
Kirlia - Vendela
Flabébé - Candace
Axew - E.V.
Gabite - Kirito
Mightyena - Gabriel
Mightyena - Michael
Mightyena - Kurokami
Houndoom - Taiga

I know, I have a lot of pokémon Right now I'm looking for a male Litleo, but no matter how hard I try I just can't find one

Hey guys, sorry for not uploading anything for so long but I've been really busy with school and stuff. I'm really tired but I can barely sleep at night because I can't stop thinking! I'm like, "I wish I could sleep but my stupid ADHD kicks in and well basically, one sheep, two sheep, cow, turtle, duck, old McDonald had a farm, heeeey macarena!".

Okay, back to the point.

Right now I'm seriously not feeling all that happy. My dad knows I'm terrified of drunk or even just alcohol smelling people and what does he do? He goes to the pub and drinks alcohol! He's always telling me he never gets drunk, but the moment he opened his mouth I knew he was.

Now it's almost midnight and he went out again barely half an hour ago and I have no idea when he'll be back.

Guys, I seriously need some support. I don't want to sound selfish, but all this stress is going to be the end of me! Please, I just want someone to talk to, or even just a few words of comfort or support! It would be greatly appreciated...

When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask, "How could you?" -- but then you'd relent and roll me over for a belly rub.

My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect.

We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs" you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.

She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" -- still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy. Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate.

Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love." As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch -- because your touch was now so infrequent -- and I would've defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway. There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me.

These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf. Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family

I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said, "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar, as he screamed "No, Daddy Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life.

You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too. After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked, "How could you?" They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you that you had changed your mind -- that this was all a bad dream... or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me.

When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited. I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood. She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured, "How could you?" Perhaps because she understood my dog speak, she said, "I'm so sorry."

She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself -- a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her.

It was directed at you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of you. I will think of you and wait for you forever. May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

.....

When I read this I almost cried. I felt so angry and sad, I mean, how could that man do something like that? How could he just get rid of the dog he had had since it was just a puppy?

BTW, I found this here: www.fanfiction.net/u/3801897/i…

I didn't write this, but I thought I'd put this here so others could read it as well. but, if the person who wrote this don't like that I put it here, I'll remove it because I know how to show respect.